1. Grow up on a crappy omnivore diet that includes a lot of junk food and boring home-cooked meals. In the suburbs, ideally. When you meet your first vegan, ask where they get their protein. Say you love cheese too much to ever give it up. Convince yourself there was a strip of leather somewhere on their shoes.
2. Realize how fucked up it is that animals die so you can eat a McNugget. Go vegetarian.
3. Openly judge meat eaters. Anti-meat militancy often peaks early as you distance your new compassionate identity from your shameful recent past. Lecture mom about the evil of bacon while you pick the remnants of last night’s Sloppy Joe out of your teeth.
4. Get annoyed when vegans say you’re inconsistent for giving up meat but not dairy and eggs. Make fun of those extremist vegans with your meat eating pals to demonstrate how comparatively sane you are.
5. Finally admit that vegetarianism is inconsistent. You don’t eat meat because it causes animal suffering and death, but dairy and eggs cause animal suffering and death. Experience cognitive dissonance. Go vegan.
6. Replace your old crappy diet with an equally crappy vegan version, relying on fake meats and fake cheese as you “transition.” If you experience chronic tiredness, frequent colds, depression, headaches or nosebleeds, discover that it’s due to purifying your old meaty ways. If you feel great, credit veganism.